I could’ve handled it better

I know I could’ve handled it better. 

I could’ve chosen my words more carefully, slowed down, made better decisions. But the truth is, I was hurting too. My mind was a mess, and everything felt so overwhelming that even the smallest choices felt impossible. I needed kindness just as much as anyone else, but instead, I kept trying to hold everything together when deep down, I just wanted to let it all fall apart. Now that things have settled, the guilt creeps in—quiet and heavy—and I keep thinking, maybe if I hadn’t been so rushed, if I’d had a little more space to catch my breath, maybe it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did.

I think about it a lot—how different things might’ve been if I wasn’t so caught up in trying to survive the moment. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt people I cared about. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost the things I did. But when you’re in it, when your heart is louder than your head, it’s hard to see clearly. It’s easy to mess things up without meaning to. I know I should’ve done better. 

I just wish it didn’t take losing so much to understand how much pain I was carrying too.