It’s okay to go to bed mad

 When I was getting married, I received a lot of bad marriage advice. “Don’t ever go to bed mad” was by far the worst one. 

A few years ago, my husband and I were cleaning up the kitchen late one night. We started talking about our day, and how it was stressful. Somewhere in that conversation, an argument started as we were both tired after a long day, so we headed upstairs to get ready for bed. 

The argument kept going as we got to our bedroom. I felt myself getting flustered and angry. 

We sat on the bed, both exhausted, emotionally and physically drained, just wanting to go to sleep. 

My husband went to lay down as I remember those words in my head.

“Don’t go to bed angry! Resolve it NOW!”

My husband was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. I felt myself getting even more angry at the fact that I felt like I had to force a resolution. 

“Do I just apologize?”

“Do I stay up all night and continue this argument even though we are both exhausted?” I thought to myself.

I remember feeling helpless as I kept hearing those words. “Don’t go to bed mad!” 

I knew this argument wasn’t going to be settled tonight, we were both exhausted, and not in any headspace to come to a resolution. 

As I sat there next to my husband on the bed, he sat up, put his arm around me, and said, “I love you so much, but we’re both still upset about this, let’s talk about it tomorrow after we get some rest. We will say things we don’t mean if we stay up until 2am trying to figure this out. Let’s put a pin in it, say I love you, kiss, and talk it out in the morning when we are well rested.” 

“Wow” I thought to myself. I had never thought of it that way. I immediately thought back to all of the times we stayed up until 2am arguing. Saying things we didn’t mean because we were tired and emotionally drained. 

I thought back to all of the times we had both said “sorry” just for the sake of feeling like we couldn’t go to bed mad. 

I laid down, pulled the blankets over me, and let out a sigh of relief. 

As I laid there next to my husband, I felt his hand grab mine. 

We slept facing away from each other, but still touching. 

I realized that night..

It’s okay to go to bed mad. 

It’s okay to not force a resolution, just for the sake of not going to sleep angry. 

It’s okay to say “I love you, I’m still upset about this, but we can talk in the morning.”

It’s okay to admit that when it’s late at night, sometimes we lose sight of what we are even upset about in the first place.

It’s okay to know that “tomorrow is never promised”, but still realize when an argument is not going to be resolved that night, and rest is needed. 

The next morning, we woke up and talked about the night before. Except this conversation was different.

It was calm. 

It was mature. 

It was respectful.

It came to a much better resolution.

I realized in that moment, sitting in bed, laying my head on his chest, and talking about the night before, that sometimes rest is needed. 

Sometimes putting it on pause, but still letting each other know that you love on another, is needed. 

I realized that morning, when we sleep on it, we have a much healthier conversation the next day. 

It’s okay to be mad, still let your partner know you love them, but not stay up all night arguing. 

It’s okay to go to bed mad.

❤️